Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
