dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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