I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize
