I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
