She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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