Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
