you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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