Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
