Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
