I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
