Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
