You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
