I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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