I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I want to be your penis for a week.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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