I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
