Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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