I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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