Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
