i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
