I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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