i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
