got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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