You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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