apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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