Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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