I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
