Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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