Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
