she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She's the barista slut.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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