Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
