Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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