you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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