I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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