bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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