I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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