Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
