dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
