So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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