i permit you to call me
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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