Soap is not a condiment
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
