mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
