Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
