I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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