I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
