I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
