Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
