i think my tv is drunk
Is it because I queefed?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
