the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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