She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
