I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
